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Monday, 29 October 2012

PIERCED HEART

Shards of glass splinter my heart,
Battered down by the ravages of time,
Too many cracked veneers, countless bruises,
Every scar is still visible, yet faded,
I tried to mend my heart with a needle and thread,
An awful process, so now I just accept the scattered ruins of my emotions,
Hoping love will spread!
                                                 Tazein
                                                  17.10.2012.

Sunday, 28 October 2012

MY LIFE IN WORDS-PART-1

Looking back at my life,
I remember the moments that made me cry,
I stumbled across darkness in my mind,
No way out did I find,
Foot prints in the Sands of Time,
Pools of water in ditches, my crimes,
A life time of tears, overflow with the tide,
I have my own ocean,
Where I wade through, sifting through my broken Pride.
                                                   

Tuesday, 23 October 2012

MY STORY-1

                                          Today, I am not scared to admit that I am very sad and tearful since 2 days- I simply can not put up with verbal abuse from my husband, I am losing my mind-how much will God test my patience? I have composed my latest poem about it:
              MY STORY-1
Looking back at my life,
I remember the moments that made me cry,
I stumbled across darkness in my mind,
No way out, did I find,
Footprints in the sands of time,
Pools of water in ditches, my crime,
A life time of tears, overflow with the tide,
I have my own ocean, where I wade through,
Sifting through my broken pride.
                                                                  Tazein
                                                                    23.10.2012.

Wednesday, 17 October 2012

CHRONICLES OF A BROKEN HEART-TAZEIN'S STORY TO SHARE-PART 2



Between 2002-2006, I tried to commit suicide so many times that I have lost count! I remember 13 times , others escape my memory.One day, just like that I decided that I want to die, so I over-dosed on my medication, wrote a farewell letter to my husband, then every thing went blank, I woke up some hours later and vomited , I lived! There were numerous times I made sure that I will succeed in killing my self, there were a lot of hospitalizations ,always in the best private hospital in Singapore, my husband arranged it, but, never came to visit me, he said that I should be grateful that he was paying my hospital bills, which were very expensive, how I wished he came, if only once, I used to check my self out when my doctor felt I was fine, I always took a cab back home, pasted a smile on my face, said hello to my husband, like I had come from a shopping spree, but my heart was totally broken!! There was this one time, when I saw a girl admitted next to me, the hospital does not have a single room, so there are always 2 people in the room.This girl was really broken, her husband always visited her, she used to cry all the time, so one day, when she was alone, I went to her and told her that she was lucky that her husband came to visit her every day, mine never came,by that time I had accepted the fact that he would never come, I made this girl smile!!My last suicide attempt was in 2006-I overdosed as usual but the minute I managed to swallow 20 pills, I still had 50 more pills to go!! I suddenly stopped, decided enough was enough, I was tired of trying to kill my self, I finally accepted this fact that I would never die at my own hands-it was useless to try ! I figured it out that God wanted me to live, I did not know why He kept on giving me life? There was no purpose in my life then. I immediately went to the hospital and they managed to stabilize me, the procedure was painful beyond words!!From that day on wards, I have stopped trying to kill my self. I have learnt that I was not an accident by God, he created me for a reason, so my later years were spent in thinking:What did God want from me, I desperately searched for the meaning behind my existence, but it eluded me. Now, every thing finally makes sense:God saw one soul, mine, who tried to snuff herself out, but by living, this one soul is providing happiness and inspiration to countless souls!!! Thank you, God for believing in my worth, You have carved out an amazing Destiny for me!! I thank you from the bottom of my heart, You were always holding me when I felt lost,You knew my potential when I did not. My one wish is to really see you, hopefully when the day I die, You are alive in my soul, today and for the rest of my life!!! I am blessed by You!!

Tuesday, 16 October 2012

CHRONICLES OF A BROKEN HEART-TAZEIN'S STORY TO SHARE.


I will be sharing the turning chapters in my life, they have made me the person I am today:A heart full of wisdom and, yes, sadness too,at what lengths I went to to gain my husband's love.
I was always a  very romantic person. My husband wanted to marry me since I was 23 years old.It took him 1 year to persuade me to agree to his proposal.I was completing my degree and wanted to concentrate on my studies.In my final year,we got married, because I had started to love the person he was, whereas he admits, till today, that he was deceived by my looks!! What a shallow reason to marry someone based on their looks!!Well, the fact is that people have been checking me out my entire life, even today I  get looks and asked numerous questions regarding my "looks"! I do not let it affect me whatsoever!Looks are granted by God, by inner beauty is more powerful than the outer one!! I was beautiful from the inside too, but it took me a long time to find my soul as my true beauty-the real one!!
                                                                                         Tazein
                                                                                         17.10.2012. 

Friday, 12 October 2012

DEDICATED TO THE COURAGEOUS SCHOOL GIRL- MALALA YOUSUFZAI

Hold your head  high, dear Malala,
You provide hope to young girls,precious child,
Your voice echoes around the world!
Your story is already visible to millions,your ideas and views cherished by many,
You are a winner, a courageous and bold person,
You follow your heart, remain true to yourself, the greatest gift of being!
Do not let  a minority bring you down,
You can not change their thinking, they mean you harm.
Keep up the good work,my prayers follow you,
Even if you die, humanity will cry,but, you will for ever in our hearts live on.
                                                                             Tazein
                                                                                12.10.2012.

Monday, 8 October 2012

DEDICATED TO ALL VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC ABUSE- WORLD WIDE.

I got married at the age of 24, 18 years back. My husband was very loving and affectionate at first, I thought my self really lucky that I had his heart-I never had self-esteem my entire life, so I focused all my wants and needs on him. Some 7 years after my marriage, I suffered a mental break-down,initially brought upon by post- natal-depression. One night, I ended up arguing with my husband over something trivial about where exactly to place my new- born son: in the cot or on the bed- would you believe it!!when, suddenly, he pushed me so hard, I fell on the floor, he kept on hitting me, I kept on screaming, while, my then 5 year old daughter became a witness of this episode- till now, she remembers "the first time Papa hit you" vividly.It breaks my heart that she and my son have witnessed countless scenes of abuse between me and my husband! After that first incidence,he took to abusing me regularly;I have been punched, slapped, got beaten with poles, kicked-I can't go on any more to describe the violence- one day, something in me snapped and I started hitting him back. Of course, the beatings got terrible from then on wards,but I had learnt a new strategy, to ignore him totally, when ever he shouted at me, I immediately left the room, I started humming my favorite song when ever he tried to argue with me. This strategy worked- here I am,safe, but of course, I have to keep up my patience, one thing is for certain;I will leave him the minute he hits me-.As you are aware,I have mentioned in my older post that I am a Survivor of Border-Line Personality Disorder, my husband has stated that he will use this illness to make sure that I never get custody of my 3 young children, I checked with a lawyer, he said it was possible that the court would grant him custody of our kids, my husband is a wealthy and powerful man, so I chose to keep quiet about our troubled marriage. Ever since I started blogging, my faith in God has increased tremendously, I have gained immense courage, so now, I do not care whether I stay married or not, for I may be rendered poor and homeless, but I will and do have, the power to share my words with the world, this fight is in the end, worth every thing, the love and respect which I have gained from you all is more than any thing I had ever wished for. God works in mysterious ways:I yearned for one person to respect me:he abused me at every turn, now I have the respect of :you all beautiful human beings!! God bless you all, you are the shining light in my life!!

Saturday, 6 October 2012

PRESENT MOMENT-ETERNAL HOPE!!-QUOTES-1-

Wake up, but do not end your dream,
Let it follow you, let it remain your friend!!
                                                                   Tazein
                                                                  6.10.2012.

Wednesday, 3 October 2012

PAST MEMORIES-1

This is my life, this is my truth,
I live in an atmosphere of hatred, love gone blind,
Each day I awaken, to merely listen to more belittling words,
Yet,still I try to remain quiet, though I want to run away and hide,
Is this my Fate?My  children snatched away from me at their tender age?
I am a Mother, will always remain,
Even if my children ever forget me,
I will be a whisper away,
Since God has granted me this Fate,
Who am I to question, why was I saddled with this mate?
I wish he could glimpse the inner me,
Try to respect, if not love me,
To be treated with dignity is my greatest quest,
This is my life's ultimate mission, my true test.
                                                                         Tazein
                                                                       6.8.2012.