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Tuesday, 27 August 2013

MY FATE.

My fate is to lose in love every time. I am so confused that why it happens to me, so I asked my doctor about it. She said that there is no answer really, I just have to concentrate on my goals- to be a published author and keep on inspiring people. I sometimes feel that in inspiring others, I have lost a part of my self- especially my heart! People say, and I know that I am attractive, but my life has been in the hands of God- there is a strong sense of Destiny involved. God maybe does not want to me to find my true love? I am destined to be alone forever, yet, as a woman, I do need validation, someone to say he loves me, too many men have said it, but I simply can't fall for them, because I do not feel any thing for them! How can any one force oneself to fall in love? It is impossible. So, I had closed my heart forever, but 1 man managed to break my defenses. He is too busy for me, so I am intelligent enough not to pester him, I just let him be. I practice detachment from him, it requires great will power on my part, but I am succeeding. I find it very sad that I have lost him- no one is too busy if you love someone, you  will always find time for them- it's a matter of priorities. My heart is numb. I am tired of feeling pain, sick of crying, of the memories. I am sure though, that whatever God does is for the best, it is a blessing in disguise! I am just bearing whatever God is sending my way! When I think of the future, I feel scared, I do not want a long life, I don't want to live to a ripe old age! I feel like I am 100 years old already! The future seems hopeless, too vast, my strength is waning, but I have never complained to God and never will! I just wish that He comes for me and hold me in His arms! Now the tears are coming, I can't write any more! God bless you all with love and happiness! Amen!

Sunday, 25 August 2013

SUICIDE-REDEMPTION OR HELL?

I am very confused regarding the topic of committing suicide.I myself am a survivor of suicide, God knows how many times I tried to take my own life-yet, I always survived. Finally, it sank in my brain that God did not want me to die, He had a purpose for my life. At that time, I did not know why I was being saved time and time again. I was angry that God kept on punishing me with life. It seemed even death deserted me! I stopped trying to kill myself years back and promised myself that no matter how hard my life became, I would never attempt to kill myself. Now, I know why God kept me alive for so long- He wanted me to inspire people with broken hearts- through my thoughts and writings- my story has a name- I exist, I feel happiest when a stranger says that I provided him with hope and strength. Many people comment on my other sites too, their comments break me down, I am awed that a few words of mine can lift someone's spirit.
Recently, my 16year old daughter's friend committed suicide. Though I had never met her, she was Sumi's class mate, sat next to her. Sumi is in shock- she is not like me, she keeps herself closed up, never shares her feelings. She totally broke down, her school went to the girl's house, saw her body.Everyone is saying that she would not go to Heaven, even Sumi. I am very confused: Religion says that people who commit suicide are sinners. I, as a human being, know myself, that nobody wants to die, except when they lose hope, feel extremely lonely and depressed- they have no hope in their lives- nothing to cling on to, so, some people succeed, others fail. I do not advocate suicide at all.This life is a gift from God- so we have to distract ourselves when the need to self- harm arises, we all have a mission on Earth- we have to find it- it could take years. God knows our potential, we get to know only after a while. I prayed for that child, I begged God to forgive her. I as a human being can and do understand the people who passed away at their own hands. I asked God to help me understand why they go to Hell? I am no one to question God, but I need an answer, I can't find one- yet.

FRAGMENTED REMAINS.

The pain remains, the blaze of a burning fire.
I am a slave to his every whim and desire,
Am I lost somewhere, where I just want to expire,
Where has my life gone, all these years,
Putting up with him has given rise to new fears,
I am nothing, a nobody, just an obedient slave,
Who can't even breathe in this stifling atmosphere.
I just want to leave every thing behind,
I want to forget I ever existed,
Gave birth to three souls, they prey on my mind,
Will a mother's love ever die? Will I ever be able to erase my present life?

THE LIGHT.

One day in my life,
I finally learned to live,
Troubles, despair, pain,
The darkest of oceans, the darkest night,
Taught me to be humble, patient and polite.
Among a sea of forces, countless sighs, magically a flower bloomed,
A single flame managed to light the gloom,
At least it flickered, showed me the way,
It was never too dark a place that a candle could not light.
So, I accepted my sorrows, finally I am living my new life.

THE BOND

Finally, the bond is broken, yet, I am alive,
Feeling vibrant, happy and alive,
Your hold over me shattered once and for all,
As strangers we part, because I answered my call,
You were a coward, inhumane and dead,
How many tears over you, I shed.
My heart is closed towards you till eternity,
You cannot escape your reckoning, it is part of your destiny.

Thursday, 8 August 2013

FRAGMENTED REMAINS.

The pain remains, the blaze of a burning fire.
I am a slave to his every whim and desire,
Am I lost somewhere, where I just want to expire,
Where has my life gone, all these years,
Putting up with him has given rise to new fears,
I am nothing, a nobody, just an obedient slave,
Who can't even breathe in this stifling atmosphere.
I just want to leave every thing behind,
I want to forget I ever existed,
Gave birth to three souls, they prey on my mind,
Will a mother's love ever die? Will I ever be able to erase my present life?