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Thursday, 31 January 2013


I want to curl up like a ball,
Block out the world around me,not to feel anything, to close my eyes for a long time,
I am hurting, paying for my past crimes.
Just feel the numbness of an unknown drug coursing through my veins,
Shut out reality, hide all my fears, tinged with regret, my past,
I want God to take away all the sadness, my only Prayer, an impossible hope, why is my life barren, so vast?

Tuesday, 29 January 2013


Today, I am sharing the most beautiful dream of my life, it is coming true in front of my eyes!
During a difficult time period, one day while sleeping, I had the following dream.It still remains vivid in my mind:
There is a woman who is sitting in a hall with other women.This woman is poor,sobbing quietly yet neatly dressed has great patience and is very graceful.She is either 42 or 43 years old. When her name is called out, she stands up, at this point I realize it is me! She walks towards a stage, where she is presented with a beautifully wrapped gift  in black and a smaller gift in a pink wrap.When I receive these gifts, I feel happiness in my soul.
Then I wake up! I immediately looked up the meanings in my religious dictionary.It says-sobbing quietly-experiencing great joy.Black-the color of virtue, intelligence, power and money. Dear friends, I had this dream in 2008.This is a dream of faith that God showed me! I will never forget it.Now, 5 years on, I am turning 43 next month, this dream is becoming a reality for me.Throughout these 5 years I waited, knew God would come for me.I never let go of this dream, numerous times I was depressed, things were not working, yet I believed.This is the Power of My Faith in God!

Saturday, 26 January 2013


Love.Such a familiar word! We all need love, without it, it is very difficult to survive! As babies, we need the love of our parents, as teens we need the love of our peers and opposite sex, in marriage we seek the love from our soul-mate.It is a continuous cycle, for each one of us! Most of us feel deprived of love, we feel empty, desperately seek to fill up this gaping wound in our hearts- some people turn to addiction, some take even more harsher measures, try suicide.People who say they don't believe in love have been badly hurt by it in their lives.It is understandable to feel this way.I just want to say that no relationship is perfect- ever.The most important thing to do is to love and accept yourself as you are! People say self- love is selfish, it is not! Only when you truly love yourself, you can completely love others. Inner self- confidence acts like a magnet!People will be attracted to confident people-it has been my experience! Please build up your own self- confidence before jumping into a relationship, for those already in a relationship, it is never too late. Accept your partner/ friend as they are, do not keep trying to change others- it will never work.People do not change if someone wants them to change, they change, only if they truly want to change! Incorporate these changes in your life! Your life will change dramatically!

Wednesday, 23 January 2013


Some stories are meant to be shared-not for the sake of popularity but for people to become inspired and strive to reach their Highest Potential.My story is meant to inspire everyone, because I simply want people to be happy! This is My Truth and I will never leave this path!I have no fear in my heart whatsoever! Two more chapters left-My past has shaped my present -it is beautiful beyond words for me.Thank you all for the great support and love which you have given me.It really is a blessing for me to know such amazing people! God grant you every happiness is and will remain my eternal prayer! I love you all-God bless you!

Tuesday, 22 January 2013


Karma is for real.I have experienced it in my own life.As you know, during my illness, I never got Saad's support.Only got verbally and physically abused for years.I felt helpless, the one person I wanted to love and accept me, deserted me in my time of need.Even praying never helped.I kept on praying to God to come for me, but at that time,He kept silent.I was a broken woman, had zero self-confidence, felt utterly useless.After getting confirmation from my doctor that indeed I had BPD,I felt no hope of recovery.Every day the symptoms kept on getting worse.Even trying to end my life did not help.The last time I overdosed, something came in my heart:I decided to live- went to the hospital asap, promised myself that I would never try it again. God wanted me to live, so I decided that is upto God to take my life-I won't do it, no use anyway, since I never died! From that day on, I have never tried to kill myself and never will! Life is a gift from God, who was I trying to take my own life?During that time, me and Saad came on the brink of divorce several times, yet he never went through it , reason: he had bought properties in Singapore and I was the joint owner, in case of Divorce, the court would have given me my share, Saad couldn't bear it- so our marriage survived! He sold off his properties asap, then invested  that money with a friend, for a business venture.Sadly, he lost all the money when his so called friend deceived him-Saad is penniless now! Why? God knew his true intention, like He did mine! I never had evil thoughts about him.After 5 years karma has come for him- and me.I started blogging, got so much support from all of you dear friends, I sometimes can't believe it! God knows my intention:To inspire you through my story, to help you gain courage-He has started blessing me with more than I can ever ask for! My intention is pure! Karma comes for everybody- sooner or later! Please reflect on this point!

Sunday, 20 January 2013


Life has knocked me so many times, I have lost count,
Yet, each time, I stood up, stronger than before,
There is a flame in my heart aglow,
This raging fire has consumed me, I rise like the Phoenix,
Down, but never out, my Destiny calling me,
For every tear I shed, for each unhappy moment I survived,
I have been blessed with countless hours of true bliss,contentment!
I am lucky God picked me, as the one to inspire you, motivate you, hopefully set your troubles free!

Thursday, 17 January 2013


After Malaikaah's birth, my world completely crashed! All the pent up grief I had over my father, came along with post- natal depression. That was the worst period of my life. I went to a psychiatrist 18 days after  Malaikaah's birth, by then I knew I needed professional help, the doctor reassured me that I would be fine in a few weeks and prescribed anti- depressants.I went home happy, that in a few weeks my life would go back to normal.My wait grew endless- I started feeling worse! Then the terrifying symptoms began:I started slashing my wrists, overdosing, being  angry over no reason- it went on and on- I kept on pestering my doctor that why was I becoming worse instead of better, he kept on changing my medicines, all to no avail! Then, one day I just snapped. Determined to know what illness I had, because I knew it was not only depression, I had read about depression a lot, what I had was something worse.I went to the biggest bookstore in Singapore, hoping to find a book that would somehow explain my bizarre behavior .Guess what! The first book I pulled out was titled Borderline Personality Disorder, I thought, might as well flip through it- After reading only a few lines, I felt faint! All the symptoms listed there, I had! 90% ! My world collapsed! I felt shocked that I was inflicted with BPD! Yet, there was a kind of relief too- finally my illness had a name. Now, 6 years on, I know that my illness was not a curse but a blessing.The person I am now is because of what I went through:I learnt about compassion, by going through pain!-THIS STORY WILL CONTINUE LATER!

Monday, 14 January 2013


I had gone on a short visit to meet my parents in Karachi, in December 2005.Sadly my father felt unwell, so he was admitted in the hospital He was not breathing properly, within a matter of days his condition worsened, and he passes away.I cried my eyes out,felt a very strange grief, but we had to come back to Singapore, because kids school were starting, so we came back.I was shocked to find out that I was pregnant! I could not believe it! Not at all planned!I begged Saad to terminate, because I could not handle so much- trying to grieve for my father, and an unplanned pregnancy! So I bottled up all my feelings inside, never grieved for my father, just became numb for the whole 9 months!Throughout the pregnancy I ate a lot- it provided comfort ! I never used to see the ultra scans, because I could not identify with this baby! I felt guilty that after my father's death, I conceived, this guilt went on for 2 years!My father passed away on 9.9.2005, Malaikaah was born on 9.9.2006-This sentence says it all! STRANGE! The minute I looked at her, I in love at once, everything forgotten-I kept her name Malaikaah- means angel in Arabic. God took away my father but gave me this angel!

Friday, 11 January 2013


A very blessed day to you all!I just wanted to share with you my feelings which I felt today: I want you all to be happy! Smile! So many of us, including me, are going through tough times, but trust me, that life is a cycle, there is joy after pain and vice-versa! I love you all uncontionally, without any judgements-if you ever feel alone, trust that there is one human being in this world who loves you, is there for you :me.My goal is not attaining money, fame or sympathy- it is to inspire you to acheive your Highest Potential.I share my life story, because I hope that you become inspired that whatever happened to me in my past , worse things may have happened to you too, but I survived! I am happy and for the first time in my life feel real contentment!If I can make it, you can do! If it means that God gives me all of your pain and give you all of my happiness, then I pray for God to do so! I know that I can handle pain. God bless you all.
From the bottom of my heart!

Wednesday, 9 January 2013


It is 4:a.m. here, somehow unable to sleep, a thought came in my mind which I want to share with you all. Most of us are wondering why do we exist on this planet, why do we feel life is a journey filled with so much negative events, why are'nt we happy, when will the time come when we will  truly shine?Will we ever be happy?Some people feel no one loves them, they feel unwanted, sad and depressed.THE FACT:God created you, yes, you, you are the only 1 person in the world , you have a face, an identity, God put you on Earth for a purpose, you will have to find your life's purpose, no one else can do it for you.Ask yourself:  "If I wasn't born, would it have made any difference in the world"  ANSWER:No! the world would have  kept on going, even if you were not born. THE TRUTH:You matter! You are born! God loves you, yes, He does! He knows your pain, your tears, your every smile, He is right beside you- open your eyes and promise me today that you will live your life to the best of your ability- no matter what obstacles come your way , you will fight them bravely, passionately, trust God He will definitely come for you- but at the time of His choosing. Meanwhile if you are undergoing hard times, remember, God is making such a person out of you that you would be proud in the near future! Suffering and pain is essential for personal growth-pain is the greatest teacher! It is a fact of life for all of us! It took God 10 years to come for me, so take heart that He will come for you sooner or later! God bless you all!

Tuesday, 8 January 2013


You shy away from the limelight,
All your life, you have put up a great fight!
Yet, I can see the flame burning within,
A beautiful halo, a person who cares and shares, who is not shallow.
You are fighting your inner Demons,
Believe that God holds you in His Embrace,
With Him by your side, all your battles with dignity you will face!

Friday, 4 January 2013


The harsh, cruel face of the world,
Unable to escape a treacherous, solemn metaphor,
People dying at the hands of Humanity itself,
No one left unscathed, even children molested,
Violent, criminal acts, bizarre and disturbing,
Why is there so much bitterness, such negativity burgeoning,
Everywhere you see faces disdained, dejected, hopeless and dazed,
A great deal of resentment, avarice,awaiting a cruel and intricate fate,
Where is your heart? Are you already dead inside?
Not to shed a tear, unable to escape.
Scared to take the first step, to reach out to the unfortunates,
Are you still staring blindly at the World?
Fear and bewilderment written on your face,
You are frozen in time, unable to act.
Raise your Voice Now, make yourself be heard,
Before it is too late and you get fatally hurt.