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Wednesday, 17 October 2012

CHRONICLES OF A BROKEN HEART-TAZEIN'S STORY TO SHARE-PART 2



Between 2002-2006, I tried to commit suicide so many times that I have lost count! I remember 13 times , others escape my memory.One day, just like that I decided that I want to die, so I over-dosed on my medication, wrote a farewell letter to my husband, then every thing went blank, I woke up some hours later and vomited , I lived! There were numerous times I made sure that I will succeed in killing my self, there were a lot of hospitalizations ,always in the best private hospital in Singapore, my husband arranged it, but, never came to visit me, he said that I should be grateful that he was paying my hospital bills, which were very expensive, how I wished he came, if only once, I used to check my self out when my doctor felt I was fine, I always took a cab back home, pasted a smile on my face, said hello to my husband, like I had come from a shopping spree, but my heart was totally broken!! There was this one time, when I saw a girl admitted next to me, the hospital does not have a single room, so there are always 2 people in the room.This girl was really broken, her husband always visited her, she used to cry all the time, so one day, when she was alone, I went to her and told her that she was lucky that her husband came to visit her every day, mine never came,by that time I had accepted the fact that he would never come, I made this girl smile!!My last suicide attempt was in 2006-I overdosed as usual but the minute I managed to swallow 20 pills, I still had 50 more pills to go!! I suddenly stopped, decided enough was enough, I was tired of trying to kill my self, I finally accepted this fact that I would never die at my own hands-it was useless to try ! I figured it out that God wanted me to live, I did not know why He kept on giving me life? There was no purpose in my life then. I immediately went to the hospital and they managed to stabilize me, the procedure was painful beyond words!!From that day on wards, I have stopped trying to kill my self. I have learnt that I was not an accident by God, he created me for a reason, so my later years were spent in thinking:What did God want from me, I desperately searched for the meaning behind my existence, but it eluded me. Now, every thing finally makes sense:God saw one soul, mine, who tried to snuff herself out, but by living, this one soul is providing happiness and inspiration to countless souls!!! Thank you, God for believing in my worth, You have carved out an amazing Destiny for me!! I thank you from the bottom of my heart, You were always holding me when I felt lost,You knew my potential when I did not. My one wish is to really see you, hopefully when the day I die, You are alive in my soul, today and for the rest of my life!!! I am blessed by You!!

16 comments:

  1. Hey Tazein... I just wanted you to know that I really like your Blog and what you have to say. I have awarded you with "The Versatile Blogger Award." Check out my latest Blog post at: http://slusworld.blogspot.com/2012/10/week-22-winners-losers.html and there, you will find the information you need. Congrats and have a great day, Slu

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    1. Have I won this award? Or you have nominated me? Thank you so much!!I will check!

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  2. Hi Tazein, I just read Ur blog, and I don't have words to explain that how I am feeling right now, tears rolled down my cheeks as I read it, because everthing touched my heart, and I could feel what you have gone through. You are absolutely right, we need to search ourselves and the purpose why God has sent Us on this planet. I know You are really emotional as I am, because I never consider the feeling of suicide as a weakness,instead it is of strength, it shows our love and the need to be loved. God is there for You, he loves You. Congrats for the award Stephen has mentioned.

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    1. Geeta!! My dear, I am crying now, you are so much like me!! God bless you!

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  3. I'm glad you finally found a peaceful place in your life where you can accept yourself as worthy and worth loving. Keep nurturing that peace!

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  4. Suicide is not a solution for problems in life....കൊള്ളാം നല്ല ബ്ലോഗ് means a good blog

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  5. Hi Tazein,
    I have bipolar disorder and have been hospitalised several times. I also had suicide thoughts when going the severe depression side of the bipolar. However, I never went through with any of those thoughts. With God's Love I finally found the light out of that dark tunnel. With my husband concerned he was there at my first break down. But my latest from 2007-2009 he wasn't. He actually left me in 2009, after 19 years of marriage. I can really sympathise with you about your husband not visiting or showing any love, support and care at all. To this day my Husband was a contribution to my mental illness because he did not showed me he loved me and stand by me.. It seems to be the same for you, so I want you to know you are NOT ALONE God is with you and for you ask him to be there and he will.

    You can read my journey on my blog -
    http://myeaglewings-darleen.blogspot.com.au/

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    1. My dear!! Our stories are similar, I know it is very hard when undergoing through the disease symptoms, God bless you, you inspire me!

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  6. Dear Tazein,
    I am filled with gratitude that you connected with me on Google+ so that I could find your blog. Reading your story rings far too familiar for me even to the point of surfacing feelings and memories I am able to leave behind most days. I hope that your inner peace and love that you have found never leaves you.

    You are valuable and beautiful.

    Writing is empowering for me as well.

    May your passion be the wing beneath your wings beautiful lady!

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    1. Thank you, my dearest friend, you are a beautiful human being, God bless you!

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  7. Tazen, The only poverty is ignorance of oneself. We are children of a livinng God - the greatest possible has happened to us but we are unaware of it. We have all within us but we never look. Once you look and see within, riches will be revealed, eternal, in abundance, you cannot exhaust them. We realize our true value. You become rich for the first time. Enjoy these rich. God bless.

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